A Jedi's Sacrifice
by Stella Anon
Summary: Set after the events of KOTOR II. The Exile's thoughts on the journey, her companions and her personal self-discovery. Implied LSF ExileAtton.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Wars or any of the characters below.

_They say a Jedi's life is one of sacrifice. Protector of innocents, champion of the weak, defenders of justice, keepers of the light. They are regarded grudgingly by many as the shapers of the Republic's future. Some would even go so far as to say that one Jedi could shape events of the next few thousand years._

_Revan has certainly accomplished that, if only for the next few decades or so._

_It is odd. Revan and Malak and all the Jedi who left to fight the Mandalorian Wars were reviled as betrayers by the Jedi council. Jedi who were tired of the council's inaction are now looked upon as fallen Jedi. Yet I wonder – as does everyone – would the war have been won if Revan did not leap into battle? Would we all be under Mandalorian rule? How different would the galaxy be if Revan had not gone to the Outer Rim and fallen? Would Revan in fact have fallen at all if she had only listened to the council's orders?_

_The council insists that if we had only listened, if we had only been more patient, this Sith threat would not have found us at all. But they forget one very important thing in all their ramblings and lectures and discussions._

_Revan might have been responsible for the Sith threat that lurks above us now. Yet we who had followed her and Malak to war were also to blame. She did not need words to convince us. Our hearts had already chosen our path even before she had came to seek our aid._

_We fallen Jedi chose our own path. We made our sacrifice to go to war. To fight against an enemy that will only grow stronger in the face of inaction. To avenge the fallen innocents, those that we swore to protect. To defend worlds that have not the strength nor the skill to stand against these foes._

_To fulfill our first obligation as a Jedi._

_Sacrifice._

_And sacrifice we did. The war took more out of us than anyone ever had. There is no one who can count the cost of our sacrifice. It would have been so easy just to give one's own life. But to give another's life for payment, that is not a choice we made lightly. Friends, teachers, students, lovers, family…_

_The cost was too high._

_Malachor V changed me. It took hold of me and stripped me of everything that I had, leaving me a broken Jedi who had nothing left but her lightsaber. That was also taken away from me by the Jedi council._

_They banished me, the only Jedi to return to their ranks to exile._

_I wandered the galaxy for a time, jumping from planet to planet. I saw for myself the carnage war had brought, the misery and the suffering it had wrought on innocent lives who had done no wrong to deserve it. I took my pain and drove it deeper into me, desperate to feel it, to revel in it. But it was no use. I could no longer feel the Force._

_I had nothing left at all._

_I spent five years walking in a dream. Never fully awake, never truly asleep. For that is what the Force does to you. Losing it was like forgetting how the fresh air in a forest smelled like. Like being unable to see the rays of the sunset as it quietly slips away into the darkness. Like being deafened to the sweet trills of music._

_Like a waking death that left you a hollow shell, unable to feel at all._

_I questioned myself time and time again. Do I regret my choice? Do I regret this sacrifice that I had made? If I could go back and do it again, would I still choose this road despite knowing the pain and suffering I must endure?_

_I found that I could not answer it. I did not truly know at all._

_My journey back to the Force began with a simple decision. To go to Telos to see for myself the damage Malak had wrought on its surface. Telos was a world which was passing through a crisis in the night. If it survived the night, it would live to see another day. Perhaps I wanted to see if I could bring about that day. Who knows what would have happened at all if I had reached Telos first?_

_The day I booked passage on the Harbinger to Telos, I had taken my first step down a road that would lead me to two things. The Force and Atton Rand._

_Atton Rand was a strange man to me. He feigned to be a fool yet there is a watchfulness in his eyes that tell of secrets he keeps. To be honest, I did not know what to make of him when we first met. Safe to say that we got off on the wrong foot when he made the mistake of staring five seconds too long at my…ahem…chest._

_It soon became clear that in his book, only his own life mattered. All else came next. Yet how do I explain that look in his eyes when he leaps into battle? How do I describe the emotions that roll off him when he senses that my life is in danger? Sometimes it seems to me that perhaps he does care a little…_

_So I tell myself. So I desperately wished to believe. And yet…_

_Our journey was…difficult. There were many choices that were made, choices that caused changes to the people we met, to the planets we visited. Atris was right, every single action we take changes the world around us. Encouraging emotions and thoughts that were not there before._

_I wonder if I had not been to Peragus, would I have felt this…_

_I still remember the day he told me his past. We were on Nar Shadaa, seeking out Master Zez-Kai Ell. We had wandered into the Refugee Sector and I remember being flooded with the deepest feelings of despair from the people there. Lost hope, abandonment, fear, anger…_

_Two Twilek men who had seen better days approached me silently when they noticed that Atton was distracted. I think he was engaged in yet another tiresome argument with Kreia. What they told me shattered my perspective of Atton forever._

_I still don't understand why I didn't turn on him. Why I didn't order him to leave us. He had killed Jedi by the hundreds, slain my own brethren. Perhaps some of my own friends even. Even now I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, dreaming that he had used those techniques to kill me too._

_Understand that it was not death that I feared. It was the look in his eyes that stopped my heart cold. Emotionless, as if forgetting everything that we had shared at all…_

_Did we share anything at all? Another question that I cannot stop asking myself._

_Why did I spare my enemy? One who have slain so many so easily without a second thought. He was a betrayer of innocents, murderer of souls. How could I have let him come back? I should have let him go, should have let him leave, should have taken vengeance for the lives of my own brethren. But I had made the mistake of looking into his eyes and for one minute, he let slip the guard that he carefully hid behind and I looked for the first time into the mind of Atton Rand._

_I read the disgust he had for himself. The hunger he had felt and the rush of satisfaction he had when he killed those Jedi. I felt the darkness in his heart that drove him to hunt down the Jedi, the hatred he bore towards them for what they did. I also saw the despair that had hounded him, the depths of desolation he had sunk himself into._

_I saw myself._

_I saw my own hate for the Mandalorians who had came to conquer our homes. I saw my own hunger for their deaths and the dark pleasure I had taken in killing them. I also saw my own horror at what I had done when I realized what had happened. I saw again the self-loathing which had caused me to jump from planet to planet, seeking something to fill the emptiness that the war had left in me._

_It was like looking into a mirror and I knew I could no more kill him than I could myself. I had seen my own self in him and I knew at once that the excuse of sacrificing myself by going to war to protect innocents was but one reason. That I had also hungered to feel my blade strike through a Mandalorian's gut._

_So I forgave him. I gave him another chance. I had to. I had to believe he could be saved. I had been looking to be saved for so long too._

_It is…painful to remember._

_I cannot speak of it now._

_A Jedi's life is sacrifice, we were taught as padawans. When Malachor V was destroyed forever, I also sacrificed Kreia, the one person who given me back what no one else could. The Force. The council insists that I am a wound in the Force, that there is nothing left in me. What I feel is what are in others. Without Force Sensitives near me, I could not feel the Force._

_The Force is still not returned to me. Perhaps it never will return._

_Yet Kreia has opened my eyes to see what really lies inside of me. She told me of what I must do. What I have to finish. Even if it meant my own death._

_I must find Revan. I must find her and discover her true intentions. If she wishes to destroy the Sith, then I will depend on her link with the Force to help her accomplish it. If not, then if I am truly a wound in the Force, I will use her to give me her power and destroy her and all the Sith in return._

_Will I fall to the Dark Side? Give in to that dark self I felt on Malachor V which had caused me to fled the war in terror and return to be judged? Perhaps for once I should not listen to Kreia's advice but take one with me who will aid me or kill me should I fall._

_Disciple? No, I cannot take him. Even though he would walk loyally to the right path, even though I know he will kill me if I fail, I cannot put this on him. I know of his love, I know how he watches me, silently being there when he believes his presence brings me comfort. I sense the deep feelings he holds for me, feelings that keep him looking up at me. He will do whatever I ask of him. His love is that great._

_I cannot make him bear the consequences of my own mistakes. I am willing to sacrifice my own life but I will not sacrifice the life of others for my own sake._

_Visas cannot help me even though I know she would follow if I only ask. She has her own path as does Mira. They both have their own battles to fight, their own destinies to pursue. The same holds true for Mandalore. If he is indeed Canderous Ordo as Kreia says, then he will be the man to reunite the Mandalorians and lead them to a new life beyond battle. One can only hope._

_Bao-dur…perhaps the only one who can truly understand my wounds from Malachor. He would understand the nightmares that do not allow me to sleep. The memories of friends lying dead around us. A dead planet's dark call to us to kill and give it the lives we have taken. Yet I will not ask him as well. He is one whom I care for deeply as a trusted friend. I will not put him through the same darkness and pain again. You are needed here as well, my friend. Protect the Republic however you can. The Force shall guide you. And that leaves…_

_Atton._

…_no._

_There are some things that are often left better unsaid. Perhaps this is one of them. Yet I say it now so that I may be free of the burden I carry._

_I care for him._

_If ever two lost souls needed each other, it would be the two of us. But where I go, I cannot take him with me. I am weak and selfish. I do not want to watch him die or fall to the enemy like he has done. And I do not want him to see me do the same either._

_I would have him remember me fondly. Remember me as he does the same Jedi who let him feel the Force. I want him to remember me as the one who perhaps touched his life._

_And his heart._

_So in the end, I can only take the droids with me. They will be my companions and as they are in no danger of being turned by the Sith, I have no fear. However if Revan is indeed Sith now, then I shall destroy HK as I destroyed his counterparts. It is a risk I will take._

_I may not feel the Force anymore and I may never feel it again. But I am still Jedi and I have forsworn an oath to protect the galaxy. I will do my part and give my sacrifice again._

_I will leave my companions here on Telos then I shall take the Ebon Hawk and fly away to find Revan. They will be angry at me of course but it must be done._

_A Jedi's life is sacrifice. We give up everything to protect the galaxy and the Republic. Our family, our friends, our own lives._

_Our love._

The Exile turned off the holovid and rubbed her eyes tiredly. It had been a long journey but it was over. It was time to say her goodbyes and leave again to her next destination.

It took only a short while to pack the things she needed. She carried little and whatever she did not need, she discarded. Her hand hovered over the holovid and she paused to think for a while. It served merely as a vent for her to speak her heart and let go of the thoughts that persistently haunted her. She had no need for it where she was going. It was utterly personal and private and it would do no good to fall in anyone else's hands.

She closed her eyes for a while and thought hard. Minutes ticked past before she sighed and reached for the holovid. Dropping it into her pocket, she glanced around her room one last time before walking out the door. It was still dark but she had a long journey to take and it was best to start early.

Atton sat up in bed with a sudden chill in his heart. He passed a hand over his forehead and found himself bathed in sweat. He had been dreaming about Malachor again.

He sat on the foot of his bed and stared at the ground, wondering idly on his next step. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed something amiss. Rising quickly, he strode to the door where he had spotted something roughly shoved under it.

He bent down and retrieved two things. A datapad and a holovid. His heart began to thump wildly as he read the words that were tapped out on the datapad. It was a message and it was unsigned.

_**Atton,**_

_**This will help you understand why.**_

**_I'm sorry…_**

**Notes:** Originally I had a different story in mind. But then I started replaying KOTOR II and read some posts at a forum over at discussing Atton's character and I realized that the story I wanted didn't fit Atton's character at all. I'm still hoping the story will work out but it would mean a major overhaul to it.

Meantime I hope you liked my view on the Exile and her reasons why she did what she did. Please leave a review or an e-mail if you have something a comment or constructive critcism. Thank you!


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